Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Painting Angst...

I am a painter. That is what I do. I am also many other things, but if you ask what I do I will say I paint. These last two day I have not been able to paint and I am going a little crazy. My kids came down with high fevers and I needed to take care of them. I did so without complaint. But tonight I started to feel VERY, VERY crabby. Like something was itching at me that I couldn't get to. I realized it's because for the last two weeks I have been painting. Every day. Every day I go to the studio and I turn up the music and paint. It is what I do. Going without painting for me causes major crankiness in my life. I strive to always be a good mother and a good wife and nice to people. But when I don't paint I find that harder to do. I miss painting with every bone in my body. I miss laying down the wax or the gesso and putting all of it down on the wood or canvas. My kids are fine now, but I had to help them with some school stuff this evening so I couldn't get out there. I sometimes just take five minutes to go in my studio and look around. It's not the same. It's actually probably a bad idea because it makes me think of what I am missing. 

I didn't start out as a painter or anything creative really. I knew there was something that I wanted to do. I tried many, many things. Cooking, making bath goods (I made so many bath salts etc.. I was giving them away to my friends all the time) I made soap, and took a floral design course. I tried many things until I came to painting. The one that lasted the longest was card making. I thought "aha, this is it I can make cards" then I figure out that they were very limiting and all the junk that was in my brain was not really appropriate to a small card. Then I moved on to a small journal, than a bigger journal. Eventually I pulled out a canvas and put down paint. I collaged the hell out of that thing. I save it because it reminds me of where I started. It's REALLY bad (trust me, I'm not being modest). I put every little do-da I had on there. Dominoes, tags, clip art you name it it's on there. I started with Turquoise and Peach! Ugh. But it was a start. That one collage made me feel like I could actually do something creative. It released something in me. Now I know I can never go back. I can whip out a card, or even some soap if I so choose. But nothing will ever take the place of painting for me. It is my release. I keep so many things in my head that if I paint one painting there is always one on the way. It just piles up and has to be released. The damn breaks and that's it. I feel like that damn has been backed up and I am going to burst at the seams. Tomorrow I paint. 

On a happier note, I am in the Love Show for 2011. I was in it last year and I had so much fun. I am excited to participate this year. I finished my piece on Saturday. I haven't taken any pictures of it yet, but will tomorrow. I am also in another show where over 20 of my pieces will be shown for two months. It's at the Akasu Salon and Spa on N. Williams in PDX. I am really excited for this show. I just don't want to show work that I have on Etsy. So I have been working really hard to make some new things. I am really happy with how it is all turning out. I have many pieces to go, but if I can get back to it I know I will finish them all. It's been a good challenge and aside from being side-railed these last two days I feel like I am on a good painting roll. The way I feel right now tells me that getting to it will be no problem. I don't usually paint from ideas, but just start to paint and see what comes. But I am swimming with ideas. They all need to have a home. 

I will post pics when I am done. I want to keep working and not worry so much about how it all is looking.


jen neitzel said...

I know just what you mean. Making art is very helpful to the spirit.

Kelly said...

Jen, I agree. It's just so frustrating when you can't do it when you want.